I've not watched or read the news since last Friday. It's not that I'm not interested or don't care about what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary. I don't want to think about what happened that day and what the poor families are now going through. I don't want to think about what the children that survived see every time they close their eyes. I don't want to think about how everyone involved have changed forever more. I don't want to think about the fact these wonderful children were in the same class as my daughter. My heart can't take it and I'm thousands of miles away, my only connection to these people are my beautiful children.
The harsh reality of this world is that children die every day, parents bury their babies and need to continue living with an enormous hole in their lives.
My thoughts these past days have been with the families affected by the Dunblane massacre. What must they be feeling hearing this horrific news, all the memories of that day flooding back to them. In 1996 I didn't have any children but I still remember the devastation I felt on hearing the news. This time it's worse, you can't help putting yourself in their place. That's why I don't want to think about it, that may be cowardly but this is my way of coping.
I've mellowed these last few days. Many a morning I have left the house in a bad mood because one or both of the kids have been playing up. On the grand scale of things does it really matter? Does it matter that I repeatedly have to ask Anya to get out of bed? I'm thankful she is here to nag at. Does it matter that Derren wants to wear shorts and welly boots on a cold dry day? I'm thankful he is here wearing inappropriate clothing. Does it matter that Anya has thrown a wobbly about her hair getting brushed? I'm thankful she is here to scream and stomp. Does it matter that Derren doesn't want his teeth brushed? I'm thankful he is here to argue with me. Does it matter that the kids toys are scattered everywhere? I'm thankful they are here to make the mess.
I haven't gone soft on them, they will continue to play up and I'll continue to discipline them where appropriate. I'm determined to raise two polite, well balanced and caring individuals. But there is no point getting angry or upset over minor things. Instead I'll remind myself how lucky I am to have them, give them a big hug then ask them again to do what I need them to do.
When I find that the little things are getting to me I'll revisit this blog and remind myself how lucky I am.